What is up with those fucking Gap commercials that are driving me insane!!!! No, I don’t want these fucking people to, “Dress me up in their love.” No, I don’t give a fuck about “Safron” or if they call you “Mellow Yellow.” Commercials like these are a disgrace to good commercials and the people who pioneered them like Fred (“Time to Make the Donuts”) and the Maytag Repairman. I know you would never get Fred or the Maytag man dressed up in gray corduroys, singing songs that have nothing to do about anything, and make the viewer confused.
But, it would be funny seeing Fred sing, “I can dress you up in my love,” or if the Maytag man was singing, “They call me Mellow Yellow.” I guess if you’re a fat anything you do is funny. Here’s a list of my favorite “robust” television personalities:
- Norm on Cheers
- Francis from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure
- Reginald Vel Johnson (Carl Winslow)
- Andy Rictor (Late Night with Conan Obrien)
- Newman
Those guys are funny and plump, everything desired in a television comedian and a Thanksgiving turkey. Of course, I don’t know how you could tell if a turkey is funny, but science will get there someday, and when it does, Thanksgiving will be bigger than Flag Day.
Ode to Television
Where would I be without you in my life?
Out and about or playing with a knife?
If I we’re to wander far, far away,
I would miss “The Simpsons” – on twice a day.
What would I be without you everyday?
Perhaps tan, in shape, and closer to gay (Not that there’s anything wrong with that)
TV Guide is my bible, my torah, my Koran, my guide,
But you are the God where this guy puts his pride.
You put me to bed and awaken in the morn,
Supply partial nudity with soft-core porn. (USA Network Thank you)
24-hour sports, 24-hour news,
With a Richard Simmons infomercial- you just can’t lose.
Seinfeld , Simpsons, Captain Kangaroo,
Newradio, Friends, and ER too.
Frasier, The Odd Couple, Dawson’s Creek,
I once watched 90 hours in one week.
All my friends are now away,
College bound they are, but you shall stay.
Eventhough you are legless and without mind,
Your loyalty is far too kind.
So now I depart from this rigorous email,
I spent too much time sitting here on my tail.
Instead I am off with, my tail in full gear,
For that place which is never to near…
The kitchen…
Then I’ll go watch some TV.
I’m hungry.
Rhyme for yourself you lazy asses.
How do the building inspectors (yes these people are all around) judge how many people meet the Maximum Capacity for a room? Do they stuff people into a room and then say, “Well we could stuff another guy in here couldn’t we?” “I don’t know chief it looks a little risky, the room might blow.” But, seriously now, the biggest problem with this process are midgets (I know you’re all saying “Well John you’re a midget” or your saying “I’m taller than you John and I have a fat head!” Well Go to Hell!- Sorry-continue reading). Where was I? Oh yes, I like chairs. No- midgets. Ah yes. Midgets are why so many building inspectors commit suicide and become abusive uncles. Midgets are the reason all right… and fat people. But fat people are made fun of enough. This thought goes out to all the fat people in the audience, but not to the fat midgets. They still suck.
Things I hate the most:
- People who think they know everything about stuff and turn out to actually know it all and you can’t do shit about it.
- Unsharpened pencils
- Those wrappers around the individual Twizzlers you buy in the big jug at Sam’s Club.
- Sharp cuticles- you go to rub your eye and you get a flesh wound
- Those damn sensor toilets. I want to flush. It’s fun, it’s reassuring, and it makes me feel like a man.
- Felt
- Seven Seas Red Wine Vinegar salad dressing that looks just like Seven Seas Red Wine Vinegar and Oil and you buy the Vinegar expecting the vinegar and oil. Damn them.
What is the purpose of the slug? It is sooooo ugly. It is soooo disgusting. It is soooo slow. Actually the only thing they serve for is entertainment when you pour salt on them and watch them shrivel up like a male penis in a cold pool (sorry girls but it is, after all, somewhat of a Seinfeld reference). I, however, have a different relationship with slugs. I have set my goal in life to destroying the existence of slugs. You see, when I was a young boy, many, many years ago I had a pet rabbit named Sunny. God, how I loved Sunny. We played and frolicked in the countryside together. We shared things like carrots, hugs and Milanos (his favorite). But one day we left Sunny outside in his cage overnight and we woke up the next day and found him dead, with a slug lying next to him. The only clue we had was that Sunny ate the slug and died. Or so my parents wanted me to believe. That slug killed my Sunny and I will avenge my rabbit’s death. All slugs must die. I call upon you the American people to take all of the salt you have and kill as many slugs as you can. If you don’t do it for me, do it for Sunny, and all of the Milano cookies I have eaten without him.
You know those things that are on the end of your shoelaces. What are those things called? I know some of you will know the answer but most of you, who are somewhat close to normal, will have no clue. So I think that I, being an ambassador to the human race, should create a name for those things. I have given this much thought and I have decided that we will call those things, “Shupes”. Spread the word.
Two words. Oyster Crackers. I love ‘em. They are not quite crackers and not quite croutons yet you can eat them with soup and salad. Or you can eat them like I do. All the time. Of course there is Nabisco’s and Keeblers but I prefer Zesta. I steal them from my cafeteria and eat them day and night. The only problem is that they are made in New Jersey, but are advertised as “New England” brand. Where’s the problem you ask? Everyone knows that New Jersey is just a big garbage dump.
Did you ever see the Little Caesar commercials and at the end the little cartoon goes, “Pizza, Pizza.” Well there was a time back in the late 80′s where that little guy would say many other things besides, “Pizza, Pizza.” There was, “Pan, Pan”, “Deal, Deal”, “Combo, Combo”, “Pepperoni, Pepperoni.” Most people would just let this slide by as cute, but I lived my life by this. My brother and I use to decide who would get the remote control by guessing what the little Caesar guy would say. But today, the little guy is back to just plain, “Pizza, Pizza.” Now my brother just takes the remote control and beats the crap out of me if I have it. I should sue Little Caesar’s. It’s not fare. It’s really not.
Why does water taste so good sometimes and so bad other times. Sometimes I really want to drink the water in the toilet because it looks so cold and good.
Background: The fall semester at the University of Chicago starts very late and as an incoming freshman I watched all of my high school friends depart in August for their respective schools. I was left at home by myself until the end of September waiting for my school to start.
Can someone just shoot me. Where did everyone go???? I am alone on a Saturday Night, sitting online, trying to IM college people who just leave their computers on to taunt me. I hate them. As for those of you high-schoolers who still talk to me, I appreciate it, but run while you still can. What I need is an old fashioned semi-automatic revolver, an avocado and some cue tips. Then I can put myself out of my misery. College. So far away. Where is college? What is it like? Do they have low fat rice patties?