Litter

When does garbage become litter? This question came about when I was riding Long Island Railroad and the conductor asked passengers to “Take your litter with you when exiting the train.” First of all, are these guys really conductors? They don’t do any conducting. All they do is collect tickets, hole-punch little pieces of paper, and wake you up when you are trying to sleep. We should call them Ticket Bitches. I’d like to put that on their pretty little hats.

Secondly, he said “Take YOUR litter with you…”. I have litter? If I have a bag of chips and then I drop the bag on the floor, I then have littered. But if I pick the bag up, is it then “my litter”? When I had the bag originally, was it “my litter” or “my empty bag of Doritos”? The only way for me to have litter is for me to throw the bag on the ground and pick it up. Like I’m going to do that! And there are no “litter cans” only garbage cans. I don’t know if I want My Litter going into a garbage can, I would like a nicer Litter Can for My Litter. Think about the children, they are our future. Them, and Litter Cans.

Plus I’m not too comfortable having some Ticket Bitch tell me what I should do with My Litter. Who the hell is he? A person’s right to choose whether to keep their litter or not is a fundamental freedom of the American people. And don’t bring God into this, Litter is bigger than God (well, maybe a lot of litter).

The only solution is to increase the tremendous responsibility of the Ticket Bitches and have them put down their precious hole punchers and pick up some trash. And get those damn paper chads they punched out of the tickets – those things can really annoy the homeless guy who occasionally sleeps on the floor.